Stimulate This!

I don’t know about you, but I am so completely sick and tired of hearing about the Democratic Economic Stimulus Package, the pros and cons of its passage and the eight million Freudian implications of the word stimulus. Those who support its passage really can’t explain their reasoning (something about jobs) and those who yearn for its defeat can’t explain their reasoning either (something about pork). Confused? Annoyed? Feel the urge to contact your local congressman or senator and ask them if they’ve scored some killer dope from Michael Phelps? Do not bother, true believers. According to my inside sources, 99 percent of Congress has already decided how they are going to vote on the bill, regardless of the feelings of the constituents they supposedly represent. This type of political posturing is guaranteed to do absolutely nothing except stimulate further feelings of disgust and apathy from the citizens they have pledged to help.

It is widely agreed that the United States’ infrastructure is in disrepair and needs to get fixed, sooner than later. It’s also widely agreed we need to develop alternative energy sources so we can get the living hell out of the Middle East and never look back. Many schools do need to be brought into the 21st Century so our children can compete with Western Europe, Russia, Japan and all the other nations that are passing us by in education standards. Most people also agree that giving 246 million dollars to Hollywood producers is nothing but evidence that “pay to play” is the name of the game. Ugh. How did that provision got in the stimulus bill remains a mystery but I’ve got a darn good idea who put it there. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is possibly the most pompous, egotistical politician I have seen in my life. Pelosi was quoted talking about this massive spending bill before Barack Obama was even elected. It’s little shock she would give a kickback to those who helped bring in thousands of fundraising dollars. Evidence of Pelosi’s special favors date back to her election as Speaker, Pelosi lobbied to have U.S. territory American Samoa exempted from the federal minimum wage increase. Coincidentally, one of American Samoa’s largest employers is Star Kist Tuna whose parent company, Del Monte, is based in Pelosi’s home district. My inner Fox Mulder suspects nearly all questionable provisions in the stimulus bill were authored or encouraged by Speaker Pelosi, considering she started writing it months before it was unveiled.

Conversely, Republican ideas surrounding the stimulus bill have revolved around tax cuts. I like extra cash as much as the next person but I highly doubt extra cash in my pocket is really going to bring back millions of jobs. Americans are changing the means they spend radically, from retail stores to the internet, from new cars to old beaters. Tax cuts are not going to encourage people to go to Abercrombie and Fitch. They are not going to convince anyone they should buy SUV’s from two potentially bankrupt auto companies. Tax cuts sound good because people like money. However, I find it difficult to accept these proposals from a party that marched lock, stop and barrel with a president who spent us into oblivion. Over the long term, tax cuts result in underfunded schools and roads that look like obstacle courses. Federal tax cuts trickle down in a very nasty way. If the U.S. government spends less, there is less money for states, counties and towns, who are then forced to raise property taxes to make up for the shortfall. The main difference is that counties and cities do not rely on public opinion nearly as much as state and federal government. Counties and cities can raise your taxes without public voting to pay for necessary (and unnecessary) services. The only exception is public schools, where tax increases are required to be voted upon. In difficult economic times, proposals to limit class sizes, hire more teachers and provide a better learning environment for our children tend to be shot down, as this voting procedure is sadly the only voice citizens get over how their money is spent. I learned all of this in “Reaganomics 101.” Took it for eight years. Got an “A.”

So who’s to blame for this boondoggle we’re in? We’re America, dammit! There has to be a bad guy somewhere. After discussing the causes of the economic crisis with one of my trusted advisors, the Stallion, I have determined the main perpetrator that instigated our current almost-maybe-just quite might be-next depression: Starbucks. Before you drop your vanilla latte in shock and awe, let me elaborate. For the last decade, Starbucks attempted to monopolize the coffee industry by constructing stores on every city block and in every shopping mall hoping to corner the coffee market by annihilating all competition. They did this with such zeal that sometimes you could see two of three Starbucks stores in the same mall and two on the same city block. This business strategy doesn’t make sense. My Adam Koeppe Simple Math shows that if a business chooses to compete against itself, the end result is subtraction rather than addition. Customer traffic will decrease, rather than increase, for a variety of reasons. There are only so many coffee drinkers and even less who choose to throw down a five-spot to get their fix. One busy store becomes two steady stores. Add a third and you have employees spending company time texting their buds more than pouring overrated java. Secondly, nobody likes a monopoly, especially a company like Starbucks that built stores next to independently owned coffee shops with the sole intent of eradicating them. It’s just bad form. Third, Starbucks failed to recognize the rising competition of energy drinks, choosing to ignore their popularity and focusing instead on pimping Paul McCartney CD’s. Add all this mismanagement up and the result is thousands of layoffs and store closings blamed on an economy that could never have sustained the expansion in the first place.

Starbucks isn’t really the problem. I used to keep the IDS store in Minneapolis in business by ingesting a gallon of iced tea a day. However, they’re evidence of incredibly irresponsible lending by banks. Why would any loan officer provide loans to a company when simple math states that their expansion will fail? In the Stone Age, a company had to provide a detailed business plan to the lender, explaining their strategy, the potential revenue and a timetable for repaying the loan. The only reasoning for allowing Starbucks, Home Depot and thousands of other crazy companies access to millions of dollars is that of fear itself. If a loan officer objected to the request on one of these companies, he or she risked losing commission or potentially their job. If Starbucks was denied a loan, all a high-ranking company minion had to do was contact the loan officer’s boss, threaten to take their investment elsewhere and watch the magic money appear. The fear of losing these million dollar clients overtook basic common sense. If Wells Fargo denied the loan, then Bank of America would cover it. This type of competition was supposed to be checked up on by the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) but apparently they were too busy covering up accusations leveled at one of their dear friends, Bernard Madoff.

Currently, we are being told by President Obama, Nancy Pelosi and the rest of the Katzenjammer Kids that if we don’t act now on this stimulus, we face certain catastrophe. Our cell phones will stop working, McDonalds will close, the sky will turn dark, the Daleks will align themselves with the Hall of Doom, the Hellfire Club, the New Kids on the Block, the Green Goblin, the Hobgoblin, Chris Brown, Zombie Saddam Hussein, Plankton, Swiper and Barry Bonds forcing the entire world to watch endless broadcasts of crappy Dane Cook movies. Seriously, we’re supposed to be scared. Fear is the most powerful weapon in existence. This fear which Sean Hannity apparently has an issue with despite his supporting the politic of fear used to blow Baghdad to bits. Six years ago, George Bush convinced the majority of Americans Saddam Hussein was going to nuke the entire planet if we didn’t stop him. Oops.

President Obama’s chokehold on Wall Street executives’ pay is probably the only stimulus the economy really needs. All the average citizen needs to see is that they’re being looked out for and limiting pay for the bailout bozos accomplishes this more than building fifty roads. Despite millions spent on PR and ads attempting to convince the public otherwise, these people are greedy, selfish humans who will stop at nothing to achieve their goal – which is always more money and power. The entire country is keeping their eyes on these guys and the only way they’re ever going back to their free-wheelin’, wining and dining ways is to actually do their job. If they are so indispensable to the financial industry, let them prove it. Otherwise, let someone else in and see if they can make sense of this. There’s quite a few unemployed individuals right now and I’m sure they’d love to replace the people responsible for putting them out of work.

When the stimulus bill passes – and it will pass, I guarantee something magical will happen. The sky will clear, flowers will bloom and happy times will be here again. We will be sold this reality every day and at every press conference. If we are sold sunshine, most of us will consume it in abundance. Spring is indeed around the corner. We will start spending again, as we always have. We will get that better job, because we’ll try a little harder. We’ll make that mortgage payment; cheer our kids at basketball games and smile a little bit more. We will put our sunglasses on after dark and see the light of the moon because our leaders will tell us the sky is bright. We’ll get back into the swing of things, buy a vanilla latte and bask in the glory of change. Unfortunately, the change is only that of perception. We can alter our outlook and emotions but when the sunglasses are off, the world is still shades of infinite gray. We will be no better or worse. Our future is left up to our own dreams, desires and fears. Dreams are better. It’s the stuff life is made of.

Most of us have friends and family who have lost their job or had their hours cut because of this mess. People who bust their butt every day, and do the best they can to provide for their loved ones. People who give new parents outgrown baby clothes rather than sell them, give away an unused freezer, provide an extra hand on a house project and expect nothing in return. These are good people who’ve been screwed, yet they are not bitter nor do they beg. The make the best of what they have and look for ways to help those they care for rather than spend every day crying about something they can’t fix. They’ve never asked for a government hand-out and never will. They are proud of their work ethic, the life they lead and the friends they’ve made along the way. Our country is running short on role models these days. Maybe we should look at the people in our neighborhood. It is the human quality of empathy that truly shines when times are tough. Recovering from this economic catastrophe will not come from faith in government, rather the undeniable human spirit within us. If we learn anything from this, let it be that it is not the size of your house or the wealth of your portfolio that matters, but the size and wealth of our hearts, which is one possession that can never be lost or taken away.

Can 50,000,000 Barack Obama Fans Be Wrong?

I woke up this morning in the Bizzaro World. The news networks were no longer spouting economic doom alongside stories of lost jobs and eradicated savings. It seems I was transported into a different America, one filled with hope and promise. Although we are riding the inaugural starship, it’s a little easy to get knee deep in all the hoopla. After the November election, I wrote that it was everyone’s right to celebrate the night of Barack Obama’s historic victory. It takes much more courage to stand with and support the unknown than something which is established. As on election night, I fully respect the right for those who supported Obama during the election to enjoy all the current pomp and circumstance surrounding his inauguration. However, there are going to be many people at these inaugural parties who did not support Obama but are attending the inauguration for personal status, to see and be seen, which is downright pompous.

The majority of the media’s coverage of Obama’s inauguration I’ve seen thus far is business as usual, covering the celebrities and beautiful people attending the festivities. I do not for one second, doubt the impact and significance of Obama’s inauguration on the African-American community, many of whom are making pilgrimages to Washington to witness a moment they never thought they would see. Larry King isn’t interviewing these folks, however. He’s way too busy chatting up Sheryl Crow.

When the inaugural balls and parties throughout America are in full swing Tuesday night, are the news networks going to go to Chicago’s south side to a bar party, where the celebration will be quite genuine? Or will they lurk inside ritzy hotels, photographing a wealthy crowd who will be predominately white and probably cares less about the poor people Obama pledges to help than their failing investments? My Adam Koeppe Simple Math has estimated at least ten percent of people who plan on stylin’ and profilin’ at these parties either voted for John McCain or didn’t bother to vote at all. I bet you can even find someone who can’t tell you anything about Abraham Lincoln except that he is on the five dollar bill (psst: they’ll be the ones cheering the loudest). If you’re at home right now, selecting your jewelry or cuff-links with care, setting your iPhone to Facebook and Twitter your experience, booking reservations at the party where you can meet that certain someone, primping and prepping uncooperative children on proper behavior – THIS IS YOU (psst: they’re the ones buying all the Obama merch).

We’ve seen these types of people before, true believers. In the sporting world, they are known as “fair-weather fans”. Everyone has encountered this type of species before. When the hard-luck, local team finally puts together a winning season, they’re the ones who are first to sport a championship tee shirt, yet somehow can’t name more than two players on the team. “Fair-weather fans” tend to cheer the loudest, yet avoid any in-depth discussion regarding the team they profess to adore. Not surprisingly, if the hometown team doesn’t win the big one, they are the first to discard their expensive jerseys and go back to following American Idol. If you are attending an inaugural party with good intentions, have a good time and enjoy the historic moment. Just watch who you dance with.

The thousands of earnest Americans who choose to participate in Obama’s coronation are encouraged to party hardy – but with a specific caveat. If you can afford to attend, great. Your revelry helps the economy and provides a needed stimulus for the retail/service sector. In doing so, however, you are implicitly forfeiting your right to complain about your finances if you blow thousands of dollars on inauguration day. If you can’t afford your house payment next month due to partying with the beautiful people, you aren’t part of “change” but are a portion of the problem that President Obama pledges to fix. Change, like life itself, is ambiguous, unknowable and doesn’t happen overnight. I’m pretty sure Barack Obama is not going to let you write off your party dress on your taxes. We all bear a part in the country’s economic problem. The solutions do not (and should not) lay on the shoulders of one person.

When the inaugural hangover subsides, there are several sobering issues surrounding Barack Obama’s administration. Many of his supporters are operating under a delusion in regards to several of his cabinet picks, forgiving discretions that George Bush’s administration was crucified for. Obama’s Attorney General Nominee, Eric Holder, was a key figure in Bill Clinton’s pardon of Marc Rich, an indicted tax evader who was charged with 51 counts of tax fraud before fleeing the country. Tim Geithner, Obama’s nominee for Treasury Secretary, failed to pay over $40,000 in taxes until it was politically expedient for him to do so. The potential political fallout of Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich and the full extent of “pay to play” has yet to be resolved.

To his credit, Barack Obama called Geithner’s tax issues “an embarrassment” and Holder apologized profusely for his involvement in Marc Rich’s pardon. Obama has shown thus far that he is breaking away from the George Bush style of cronyism, holding his staff accountable for their actions. However, if “pay to play” is indeed the name of the game, Obama will be faced with many challenges if he wishes to maintain his campaign promise of transparency. How will he react if Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is once again attacked by imaginary sniper-fire? Of greater concern is Obama’s reluctance to address the massive fraud perpetrated by Bernard Madoff, who is just one of many individuals currently indicted for ponzi schemes which have destroyed the county’s confidence in Wall Street and financial sector. If Obama proposes longer prison terms and bigger fines for those who have participated in the complete raping of Americans’ finances, he is surely to run into opposition from many of the same folks who are dancing in the limelight celebrating his inauguration.

Barack Obama takes the faith and hope of all Americans with him when he ascends the Presidency. As he makes his historic speech (trust me, it’s gonna be good), Obama bears the weight of his many promises on his shoulder. It is my hope that he makes good on them, regardless of political consequences. His popularity compared to his Democratic colleagues in Congress should provide sufficient leverage when the special-interest, lobbying vultures come calling. It will take great fortitude, but he has shown his mettle thus far. As for the future, time, as always, will tell. My message to President Obama after the election was “May the Force be with you.” I stand by that statement with one addendum: Beware the Dark Side. Dangerous, it is.

How To Spend Your Involuntary Vacation

As anyone who isn’t living in a pineapple under the sea knows, the economy stinks and it’s going to get worse before it gets better (or so I’ve been told). More “layoffs” are announced every day but rarely is anyone told they are “fired”. I wasn’t informed the word was deleted from our lexicon. What’s next? Is “laid off” going to become an “involuntary vacation?” Whatever term is used, there’s been enough people sent home this year to occupy a small country. If this applies to you or anyone you know or care about, you have my sympathies. It’s is hard enough to lose income relied on to pay bills and support families, but it can be downright maddening to sit at home after spending so many hours away from it. I mentioned last time that I hoped everyone in this circumstance uses this time to its fullest and spends more time with their family. Time with the ‘fam can be a two-way street, however, as many experiencing an involuntary vacation have found out. People who have worked their adult lives now have quite a lot of time on their hands and may have difficulty finding things to occupy this period of employment exile. After consulting with my trusted economic advisor, Mr. Whoopee (the man with all the answers), I’ve provided below several suggestions to fill the void and hopefully keep your sanity intact.

Go fishing. Possibly one of the oldest hobbies in existence, fishing provides many benefits. You can feed yourself and your family, if you wish, although this involves gutting, slicing and dicing real, sometimes still-alive, fish. For those who think they can’t stomach this step, you can always throw the fish back into the water, hoping the metal hook you removed did not damage their entrails (bad for the environment – and for the fish). Blood and guts notwithstanding, sitting in a boat or on a dock for hours on end provides a Zen-like feeling. Those of us living in the northern part of the country have the added experience of ice fishing. For approximately two months, people can haul a small, rectangular cubicle onto their favorite lake and fish. It’s not clear how much fishing is done, but I’m pretty sure those who ice fish have a good time doing it. Ice fishing also provides experience living in a small box, which may have to be utilized permanently if things don’t change.

Become someone else. The late Timothy Leary once said, “You can be anyone, this time around.” Too bad Tim didn’t live to see the full impact of the internet. Websites and programs such as “Second Life”, “The Sims” and “Worlds of Warcraft” can provide escapes into realities Dr. Leary only dreamed of. You can reinvent yourself entirely in alternate versions of the real world in “Second Life” or “The Sims”. A fry cook can become a model, a model can become a businessman and a businessman be a janitor. The choice is yours. Date, have a family or just putz around. You can do anything you want with your fake identity, just don’t let it collide with reality. There’s enough dimensional instability already. “Worlds of Warcraft” provides a more intense online experience, letting users become powerful warriors and magicians embarking on quests and battles. Intensely engaging and possibly life-threatening, “WOW” provides endless hours of entertainment if you can afford high speed internet. However, it should be noted that many people use these programs, people you wouldn’t expect to find online but are hiding their true identity. Bernard Madoff is online, true believers, and he’s out to steal your fake assets! Look out, Ozzy! Bernie’s coming for you!

Kill your friends and complete strangers on the internet. First-person shooters have become the new national past time. Games such as “Halo” and “Gears of War” have millions of users, what could possibly be wrong with that? Run around with gigantic guns and bazookas and blow the heads off your opponents. Verbally taunt them! I hear it’s pretty therapeutic and fun for the whole family.

Catch up on TV shows. The advent of DVD box sets and online streaming makes viewing your favorite shows in chunks a snap. Up for a “Facts of Life” marathon? I am.

Play board games. This used to be a big teenage time-waster until Mario threw a fireball at Parker Brothers and Milton Bradley. Ironically, many of the classic board games have not fared well in computer transitions. “Clue” and “Yahtzee”, are best played in their original forms, without digital enhancement. Buy the “The Mad Magazine Game” on EBay. It’s cheap! If you lose, you win! It’s the best board game ever. Sink someone’s “Battleship”. Play the game of “Life.” Build a “Mousetrap”. Take over the world in “Risk.” Mess with your opponents mind in “Chess”. Outwit an army in “Stratego.” Screw your neighbors by taking their property and forcing them into bankruptcy in “Monopoly.” On second thought, it’s probably best to avoid playing “Monopoly.”

Learn a new skill. There’s no better way to spend free time than to find new ways to make yourself employable. Harness an activity that can get you noticed amid piles of job applications. The ability to “Yo-Yo” is vastly underrated and could provide an inside edge to that new job. Duncan Yo-Yo’s are as low as $2.99. A little practice and you might become an indispensable cog in the company. After all, who wants to fire the “Yo-Yo” guy?

Practice a musical instrument. Too many people are playing fake instruments on “Guitar Hero” and “Rock Band.” Get a real instrument and practice, another great way to impress potential employers but also your friends. Pick an instrument like the Moog. There’s not enough Moog musicians out there. Become a proficient plucker at the tooth harp or maybe start your own jug band.

Apply for a job with Barack Obama or the FBI. Think you’re not qualified? Don’t be so sure. The advent of 24-hour news and Web 2.0 has shown over 90 percent of all government employees are mindless twatburgers. Go for it! Maybe you could be the person restraining William Shatner on the plane or scoring Obama his pack of smokes.

Be like most people, follow brain-sucking reality shows, watch 24-hour political analysis describing exactly how screwed we are and babble incessantly on the web. Wait..I’ll be back in a second. Got a message on Facebook…

Adam's 2008 Serialized Christmas Special

Hey all,

The following is a transcript of the my serialized Christmas special posted on Facebook. It may not be the best Christmas special ever, but it sure beats the stuff crapped out on Lifetime, ABC Family and the Hallmark Channel. Use your imagination to fill in the gaps. Enjoy! Special thanks to Holly, Jason, Dan and Chris for commenting on this while it was being posted.

Adam is dammit! Uncle Billy lost the bank deposit money!

Adam fired Uncle Billy, committed him to the asylum, slammed a White Russian and is going to find a way to save Christmas!

Adam is contacting the Guardians of the Christmas Spirit to ask their help in saving his Christmas. Will Mr. Hankey, Andy Williams, KISS and Ted McGinley help out?

Adam is sad to learn Mr. Hankey is stuck in the sewers of Chicago politics and KISS is playing pinball with Rufer. It's up to Andy Williams and Ted McGinley!

Adam is shocked! Bernard Madoff stole Uncle Billy's bank deposit money, the lifetime savings of thousands of people but also the spirit of Christmas itself!

Adam has been assured Ted McGinley and Andy Williams are going to find a way to stop Bernie Madoff and save Christmas!

Adam saw Ted McGinley tap into the public Yule Log TV feed. He’s got to have a plan. Never count out Ted McGinley!

Adam is watching Ted McGinley synchronize the Yule Log station with Andy Williams rocking out on “Christmas Hero”. Will Andy's voice be enough to stop Madoff?

Adam is amazed to see KISS return from Rufer’s house and join the Andy Williams choir. The Gods of Thunder and the Saint of Christmas – together!

Adam is seeing the power of Andy Williams and KISS separating Bernard Madoff from his money! Wait! Mr Hankey's blocking the toilet-Madoff can’t flush the money down!

Adam is grateful the Guardians of Christmas returned the hope and magic of the holidays away from evil Bernie Madoff, exiling him to the sewers with Mr. Hankey.

Adam is happy to have such wonderful friends and family. God bless us, every one!