Will the Real Driver of the Straight Talk Express Please Stand Up?

Will The Real Driver of the Straight Talk Bus Please Stand Up?

With little more than a week to go in the 2008 Presidential election and a little less than a week until the 2012 Presidential campaign begins (an electoral circle of hell); numerous reports of infighting within the McCain camp have begun. The website Politico not only describes a campaign whose “cake is baked”, but of senior staffers sending their resumes to top Republicans in the private sector. I wonder if they’re going to include their last employer? Further, there is mounting evidence that VP candidate Sarah Palin has “gone rogue” and has started to ignore the Gestapo-esque aides McCain assigned to handle her. The question on everyone’s mind must surely be “Who’s in charge of this mess? Who the hell is driving the Straight Talk Bus?”

While no expert on bus driving itself, I do know a few good bus drivers, any of whom would be an improvement on the current person behind the wheel. I will submit three notable candidates; briefly describe their qualifications and how they would improve the environment infecting the Straight Talk Express.

Ralph Kramden. A volatile, hot-tempered, blustery public transit driver with a heart of gold, Kramden continually aspired to become more than he was. He often devised half-baked schemes to get rich quick only to have the aspirations usurped by his own hubris. Kramden seemed to have a new scheme every week, something Senator McCain should be able to identify with. Although politically incorrect, Kramden threatened his long-suffering wife, Alice: “One of these days, one of these days... POW! RIGHT IN THE KISSER!” This technique should never be practiced but would have been useful in reigning in surrogates Carly Fiorina and Nancy Pfotenhauer long before they managed to do it to themselves. It should be noted Kramden never did punch his wife; he loved her dearly. Kramden’s humanity, an attribute the McCain campaign abundantly lacks, was his saving grace. He put it best with the following: “I'm a dope. Not a run-of-the-mill dope, the world's champ. For years I've been taking for granted the most wonderful thing that's ever happened to me - you. I've never shown you the appreciation you deserve, Alice. You could walk outta that door right now and I wouldn't blame you. You deserve something better than me. There are a million guys who'd give you anything if they could have a girl like you.” Kramden would have provided balance to McCain’s continual agitation. Coincidentally, his best friend, Ed Norton, is a sewer worker; a real-life “Ed the Plumber.”

Otto Mann. A school bus driver from Springfield, Otto is a stoned-out, heavy metal-loving dude who wishes he was still in the 1980’s. His desire to go back to the past would be especially appealing to disciples of the Reagan Revolution. Despite having only four fingers on each hand, Otto would have provided a much steadier path for the “Straight Talk Express” than its current pilot. Taking a page from the Bill Clinton handbook, Otto would handle the day to day stress of campaigning by packing a bong and passing it along. “Just calm down dudes! John-dude, you’re giving off some bad vibes. Chill out! Tucker-dude, Rick-dude, take a break and start inhalin’ with Palin.” Otto would give the McCain camp much needed calm and introspection, not to mention a better selection of rally music.

Freddy Krueger. A sociopath who drives school bus part-time, Krueger is unbalanced and possesses more scars than Senator McCain. Krueger could make millions of people terrified, which would have been effective in McCain’s attacks on Senator Barack Obama. Krueger would also keep passengers of the “Straight Talk Express” in line. He is, after all, a quite intimidating fellow. Despite his methods, he undeniably knew what he was doing. Wayward surrogates and discontents would sit tight on Freddy’s bus. He would also be a spectacular influence on operatives participating in voter intimidation. Most notably, Krueger would be able to seal the deal on the “3AM question.” There is no doubt the next president would be ready if the phone rang. They’ll know what to do. For if you fall asleep, Freddy’s coming for you.

The current driver of the “Straight Talk Express”, Senator John McCain, has not only driven off the road but also managed to lose most of its passengers along the way. By losing his map and refusing to ask for directions, McCain has succeeded only in providing oodles of materials for future books written by Bob Woodward and other pundits. His vision is so crossed that to look through it must resemble gazing into a kaleidoscope after a long night with Otto. He is in danger of seriously damaging the Republican Party and the reputation of true conservatives. His own staff looks at each other with mistrust. To quote the Firesign Theatre, “I think we’re all bozos on this bus.”