“The vote is the most powerful instrument ever devised by man for breaking down injustice and destroying the terrible walls which imprison men because they are different from other men.” – Lyndon Johnson
“Whatever it is, I’m against it” – Groucho Marx
To say politicians are honest is like pretending a horse doesn’t poop in a parade. No matter how pretty the horse is, behind it is some serious stink. It is no secret Americans are sick of the smell coming from the national and state capitals. Despite this, the same bozos keep running again and again, fueled by a mostly unknown financial machine. The ones who claim they are new, are going to represent real Americans (as opposed to fake ones) and are going to shake up Washington will be the preaching their newfound experience in the next election cycle. The only constant regarding politicians is they despise being mocked and called on their incessant hypocracy. Being astutely knowledgeable at such things, I humbly put forth the following proposal which, if enacted, will swiftly bring about the change the citizens of this great nation desperately need.
I used to make fun of those people who chose to use their democratic right in the voting booth to write in “Mickey Mouse” or “Lizard People.” In retrospect, it seems these righteous individuals knew what was going on with the political system more than those who mindlessly support the same political party year after year. If all elections, be they local, state or national, are tinted by crooked people and crooked money, why should anyone vote for these people? The option is always there to write in the name of another qualified individual. Maybe the vote would not be considered wasted if the voter chose to write in an eligible person rather than a cartoon character. To the millions of readers who still may not know who they may vote for this November, I modestly offer a viable alternative: myself.
Some of you may be asking “Adam, what makes you think you are qualified to run for public office?” My humble response, in a nutshell, is what makes you think those running for office now are qualified? Every political poll shows the public has little, if any, confidence in the individuals currently in charge, some of whom do not know how to use the internet and would have significant difficulty reading a book. Not only does yours truly know how to use the internet, he can even repair a copy machine, a skill that is indeed quite rare. Further, considering the current incumbents do their job about ten percent of the time (a generous estimate), I find it would be possible to hold office on the local, state and national levels simultaneously and still have time to play my Xbox.
My Howard Lake math shows that if I perform four of these positions to the best of my ability twenty percent of the time, that would still give me ample time to play Halo. To accomplish this feat, all I would have to do is avoid all political talk shows, skip out on ribbon cuttings for projects I have nothing to do with and most importantly, refuse to campaign for the next election while serving in the current term. The latter seems to take up 90 percent of politicans’ time these days. I can even promise the public I will show up for votes most of the time. 51 percent attendance seems to be quite acceptable to most incumbents, regardless of the office held.
If anyone would like to financially support this endeavor, I have set up a PAC fund, which is called A.D.A.M. (a darn awesome man). These funds would be used to pay for necessary expenses such as copy machines, several pairs of Converse shoes and expanding my Xbox game collection. Considering donor dollars have been used in the past to pay for a Saks wardrobe and a continuous supply of cheeseburgers, my needs are quite modest in comparison.
If writing in yours truly isn’t your cup of tea, might I suggest you take some time and think of other worthy individuals worth writing in on election day. If you like your neighbor, write them in. If you don’t like your neighbor, write them in. Think your pastor would be a good congressperson, put their name down – nobody really follows that “separation of church and state” silliness anyway. Stumped for a Christmas gift for that hard-to-buy-for person? Give them a senate seat! It’s been done before. Personally, I plan to write in several qualified individuals (other than myself) this November. Fallen Minnesota auto mogul Denny Hecker would make a great judge. He has extensive experience in the legal field that would be a natural fit should he ever preside over the dreaded recount. Twins great Kent Hrbek would be an awesome state auditor. To be honest, I’m not sure about that but I’d really like some free food at his restaurant.
It is my hope the previous passages have made you think about how much your vote really matters this November. Every citizen has the responsibility to be involved in the political process to ensure our government is as functional as possible. Whatever you do on November 2nd, please don’t stay home. Don’t stay at work (remember it is your legal right to vote on company time). Go to your local polling place and do something. It doesn’t matter what you do there, just exercise your constitutional right. People have given their lives to preserve this privilege, so please don’t take it for granted. And if you find it in your heart to vote for this humble author, well that would be just swell.
Your future councilman/mayor/state representative/congressman/governor/president,