On Monday, May 25, Lindsay Lohan returned to court for missing some dumb probation hearing because she was too wasted to know what day, month or year it was – or so the news analysts would have you believe. Two respected bastions of journalistic integrity, CNN and MSNBC preempted coverage of the BP Gulf oil spill and capitol hill corruption to carry Lindsay’s court appearance live followed by several pundits showing their four years pursuing a mass com degree was spent attempting to be as much like Ms Lohan as possible. To Lindsay’s credit, she put on best performance of her young career, appearing dressed-down, disinterested and slightly confused. Was she being herself (as the geniuses who spend most of their time talking politics poorly think) or just being who the public perceives her to be: a good girl gone bad. However, in just twenty minutes, Lindsay Lohan managed to regain her rightful spot as headliner of the 24 – hour news channels. Thank God!
Two years ago, the big three cable news outlets, CNN, FOX and MSNBC abandoned their nonstop coverage of the trials and tribulations of celebrity screw-ups Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan in favor of covering political screw-ups Barack Obama, John McCain, Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden and Sarah Palin. Many people (yours truly included) hailed this switch as a step forward for news coverage. Those who for years were howling “That’s not news!” finally saw their wish granted. News should be about serious politics, they argued, not distractions coming from the land of Hollywierd. After two years of Capital Hill hyjinks, I can’t for the life of me decide which is worse.
On the surface, it is easy to label the uber-wealthy inhabitants of Hollywood as spoiled, over-paid and under-talented. They epitomize a culture of decadence, self-entitlement with a splash of superficial social awareness. After two years of continuous news coverage it is also easy to label the uber-wealthy inhabitants of Washington D.C. as spoiled, over-paid and under-talented. The career politicians also epitomize a culture of decadence, self-entitlement with a splash of superficial social awareness. There is really no difference between the two cultures except the Hollywood folks get to wear better clothes. I’m willing to wager Britney Spears cares just as much about the environment as House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, if not more so. Paris Hilton empathizes with the average American as much as Sarah Palin does – except that Ms. Hilton might attend the average fundraiser once or twice a year. Ms. Palin, however, never attended a fundraiser where the primary beneficiary was not herself. As for the aloof, disinterested Lindsay Lohan – she might as well be the damn President.
The cable news networks’ political coverage (whether they admit it or not) has exposed the American political system as nothing but a bunch of untalented actors desperate to do whatever they can to stay on stage. One could replace Gloria Swanson with Senator John McCain in “Sunset Boulevard” and it would still be the same film. It could also be proposed that Roger Ebert and the late Gene Siskel would be better pundits than ninety percent of the talking heads babbling on TV right now. American politics, like many Hollywood blockbusters, is all about how bombastic you can be and how many special effects you can pile on before the audience realizes they are watching a gigantic, over-expensive mess.
Submitted for your approval, a United States government ran by Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan. Except for the obvious fact that they are better looking than the hottest member of Congress (is there even such a being?), how could our country do any worse than the system we have now? The majority of Americans clearly despises the individuals in charge, why not elect people that the public has the foreknowledge they are universally clueless? It’s kinda better if you think about it. A pre-emptive electoral strike, if you will. Take my choice for President of the United States of America, Lindsay Lohan. Initial ability squandered prematurely: check. A string of mishandled public appearances: check. Addictions admitted and rehab attended: check. Refusal to talk to the press unless a laundry list of stipulations are met: check. Everyone who has hired you wants to fire you before you can do your job: check. With this extensive vetting completed, it seems the only logical choice for leader of the free world is the star of remakes of “Freaky Friday” and “The Love Bug.”
I’m glad Lindsay Lohan’s back. Even on her worse day, she’s tanner than John Boehner and ten times as charismatic as Eric Cantor. She needs to get back in court as soon as possible to deliver another fantastic performance. She’s found her voice. The worst is behind her. The American public is ready for a new direction, an individual who understands issues the readers of People magazine care about. Unlike those career politicians the “lamestream” media supports, Lindsay Lohan represents what all Americans aspire and wish to become. She is on TV. She wants to be somebody. She has flaws and doesn’t care who judges her. Let’s show our support for her. Let’s take our country back. Let’s vote for Lindsay! Let Lindsay win!